The saying that everything is fair in love and war is perhaps taken literally to a grisly end by many of late. Unfortunately, that ‘everything’ takes a very savage form when women are attacked for repudiating love offers, or, in other more distressing cases, are forced to take their own lives out of frustration.
In three heart-breaking episodes recently, one woman committed suicide when she confronted her fiancé over an illicit affair only to be rebuked; another young girl with the world ahead of her took her life because her family was being relentlessly harassed by a young man and, in the last case, a female college student was slashed with a razor for not relenting to a relationship proposal.
Not old enough to understand romance:
There was a 12-year-old happy child. I am stressing on the word child because at this age her world is supposed to be surrounded by tales of magic, fantasy, dolls and unicorns. At 12, any girl is barely a teen; she is still living in a protected world, tentatively stepping into reality.
Obviously, romance is not her main concern.
For the adolescent mind, there will be curiosity about changes in human body and personal likings will slowly turn from dolphins, whales, butterflies to handsome princes in fairy tales but that hardly implies that she is ready to get into a romantic liaison.
So, when a local youth, supported by his friends, came to forcibly pick her up, the terrified child, in the face of total helplessness did what came to her mind first. In a moment of desperation, she wanted to save herself from humiliation and committed suicide.
We do not know if calling the police ever came to her mind or not. Maybe she thought that police would only be a temporary reprieve and not a permanent relief from this intimidation cloaked as romance.
Countless girls like her are being harassed all over the country, and in recent times, we have come across several sad ends where, unable to stand the pestering, the victim decided to take an extreme path.
In the other case, another girl, on her way back home from college in Barisal, was attacked with a razor by a man whose romantic advances she turned down.
A police hot line/ instant support for the harassed:
This exists but a concerted campaign needs to be done by the law at every ward in and outside the city to ensure that parents plus girls know where to ask for help in need. Naturally, just calling won’t solve if the response is delayed.
There have been regular calls for special ‘eve-teasing’ units at all police stations though the feeling among greater society is that a piecemeal approach in tackling the social scourge of sexual harassment/general disturbance won’t work.
Once a police station has a special unit to deal with all forms of gender violence and abuse, a non-stop publicity has to begin. Female police officers need to organise monthly interaction sessions with young girls of the areas under their jurisdiction to help detect problem cases from the very beginning.
This needs to be buffeted by billboards boldly displaying help lines, e-mail and even drop boxes.
For the 12-year-old girl, the harassment was not a sudden phenomenon. After facing regular threats, her father reportedly went and talked to the father of the boy in question. This only exacerbated the situation. The boy’s family remained aloof to the aberrant behaviour of the young male member.
Maybe the girl’s father thought that going to the police would publicise the matter, bring shame for both families and, put his daughter under an unnerving spotlight.
It is a fact that as the death of this girl is still fresh in our minds many other beleaguered parents are possibly trying to look for a socially acceptable conciliatory approach to deal with harassers.
The truth is, if girls are to be protected then a middle path won’t work. Anymore!
Chadni would not have died if the father had gone to lodge a complaint taking a member of the police with him.
A constant fear as to what others might say or think continues to prevent us from acting decisively.
End of romance is not an absolute failure!
This is another macabre dimension to romance which has seen victims from both genders. The latest death is that of a woman who opted to die when she was abused after confronting her long time lover and would-be husband over his clandestine relation.
Again, we face a woman who thought it best to end life.
Choosing to commit suicide over life’s disappointments is not new but when a society has active counselling at schools, colleges and within the family, such deaths can be minimised.
For valid reasons, the most effective counsel comes from family though the reality is, in Bangladesh, a general taboo on topics like love, sex and life rarely allows adolescents to open up to parents or guardians.
Change is happening in urban surroundings but the pace is slow. The girl who was severely reprimanded by her lover didn’t seek help for mental strength. Possibly, she also thought of stigma attached to those who face romantic rejection.
An overall social attitude which perpetuates the pre-historic belief that a girl’s life is useless unless she is married to a properly established man is also a reason why many women, facing private disappointments, decide to allow their pain to fester within.
In extreme cases, such pent-up sadness leads to unexpected ends.
Banish fears of stigma, counselling at all levels:
The direct culprit for all the three cases mentioned where three men, however, as a society we are also culpable because we haven’t created a premise for women to feel hopeful.
All suicides cannot be stopped, but some, where the person in question takes life out of desperation, can be reversed. For this, we need a social apparatus, in and outside the family, trying to understand the complexities of human depression, angst plus hopelessness.
Let the counselling begin within the family; enough of the ludicrous social layer of conservatism that imposes on us an outdated lifestyle template, arrogantly denying us a chance to effectively deal with a complex credo which has inexorably crept in.
Source: Prothom Alo
