Blitzkrieg. Lightning war. It was invented by the Germans after WWI. The attacking force forces a breakthrough into enemy defence with a series of short, fast, powerful attacks and once inside proceeds to dislocate them using speed and surprise. Then they manoeuvre to unbalance the hapless enemy so they cannot respond effectively to the continuously changing front, and defeat them through a decisive battle of annihilation employing the right units in the right place at the right time. Sound familiar?
“They came to bury César, not praise him,” wrote the Telegraph’s Henry Winter borrowing from you know who. Julio César would be reminded of this night for the rest of his life. (“Granpa, Granpa, tell us how the bad Germans kicked your backsides seven times in one game!” Giggle, giggle, giggle. Or, “Hey Julio, wanna talk about your seven deaths? No? Okay, okay. We know how you feel. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”)
The entire team had gone to see Neymar at the hospital after the match. Before the match they had spent four days crying for him and the goalie and the new captain even held up a Neymar shirt on match day so they would want his shoulders to cry on. He tells the hospital staff to hold them off until he finished making a phone call.
“Alo.”
“Si. Alo! This is Juan Camilo Zúñiga Mosquera, born 14 December 1985 in Chigorodó, Colombia…
“This is Neymar da Silva Santos Júnior, born on 5 February 1992 in Mogi das Cruzes, São Paulo…
“Oh, my brother? I’m so sorry. I’ve told everyone who’ll listen that my intention was not to hurt you actually…”
“No, no. I called to thank you for your effort because otherwise I would have been on the field and…”
“Really? That is a relief. But I cannot take credit. I just obeyed the command of someone infinitely more powerful.
“Who?”
“The sorceress Neelmilik. She had foreseen Brazil’s humiliation and asked me to break your backsides so that you would be spared all this.”
“Why?”
“She didn’t do it for fun or profit but because she has another name, a secret and enchanted name that sounds similar to yours.”
“Which is…”
“I don’t know and don’t you get too curious or she might turn you into a frog with bizarre shades of carrot-and-gold hair.”
“Introduce me at least because I’d like to thank her.”
“Out of question; she’s extremely unpredictable and extremely dangerous and I don’t think she gives a damn for your thanks. Besides, she exists in another realm, where the south breeze blows…”
“Okay, Juan, thank you once more brother. We’ll meet soon in Europe when all this is over.
“Bye and take care of your backsides.”
Neymar tells them to send in his team-mates. After a while, they all file in, grey faced with some still sobbing.
David Luiz: We crossed the ocean together but you and Thiago (Silva) left us to die on the beach.
Neymar: Don’t get corny. I am equally shocked and awed.
Paulinho: But not torn up in grief.
Neymar: Every Brazilian is torn up in grief and will be for sometime not to speak of our fans from all over the world.
Ramires: But we had the ringside seat.
Neymar: Wrong. You were in the ring getting murdered.
Oscar: They came, they saw and they konkered us, boss! What could we do?
David Luiz: Die Mannschaft really shafted us good.
Hulk: There’s something else. Right at the start their captain stared at us hard and muttered: “They’ve no attack and no defence, they’re wide open as the Copacabana!” and then he said something incomprehensible that sounded like: “Dey bhoira-dey bhoira-dey! Dey handae-dey handae-dey!”
Neymar: What does the last part mean?
Hulk: We don’t know but sure as hell it’s not German.
Oscar: Well, it’s not فارسی , or Bahasa Indonesia, or עברית, or Русский either.
Dilma: Or العربية, or Беларуская, or Català, or Čeština, or Dansk.
Fred: Or Magyar, or Dutch, or 日本語, or Norsk bokmål, or Polski, or Română
Willian: Or Suomi, or Svenska or Türkçe or Українська or 中文!
Maicon: But whatever it was it sounded awful in the German accent.
Fernandinho: And they kept chanting it under their breath the entire match, boss. It was mesmerizing and terrifying. Dey bhoira-dey bhoira-dey!
Bernard: It could be a witch doctor curse. Dey handae-dey handae-dey!
Dante: I swear the sound made us think we were playing ring-a-ring-a-roses!
Neymar: Now tell me coherently, what happened because what I saw on TV doesn’t explain anything…
Daid Luiz: It was all very nice until that cruel man Kroos kicked a corner from the right…
Neymar: Yes I saw that but seven of you were chatting with Júlio here inside the six-yard area and not one of you saw Müller?
Júlio César: Yes they did, the following morning. After that first goal my best friends showed little or no interest in protecting me from the Germans.
David Luiz: I swear none of us saw Müller. He was invisible and suddenly materialised and scored (11 min).
Luis Gustavo: Boss, I actually felt they were making fun of us but behaved as if they were very serious. They’d give me and Fernandino the ball then take it away and then make a mess of our midfielders…
Marcelo: But right after the first goal I took the ball to their box and told their defender Philipp Lahm to step aside while I took the shot, that my friends and family were watching, but he stubbornly refused.
Neymar: Goal number two?
Dante: Kroos passed one to Müller but he, man of big heart, instead of shooting it himself gave it to Klose who fired it but Júlio here gave it back saying it wasn’t good enough that he should try again, but this time Klose put it in before Júlio could say, “Okay, I’m ready!” (23 min)
Marcelo: I asked Klose how could he be so heartless but he just said, “We’ll talk later but I have the record.”
Neymar: The third?
David Luiz: It was the vicious left foot of that insensitive man Kroos in the very next minute! Lahm gave a cross from the right to Müller who, again, big-hearted man or great joker, deliberately missed but Kroos didn’t (24 min). They didn’t miss much boss.
Neymar: The fourth?
Fernandino: Don’t look at me. I was trying to tie the ball to my shoe-laces, as you do, as Messi does. Somehow the ball got away and went to Müller who didn’t want it and gave to Kroos who gave it to Júlio here who didn’t want it either. It came to rest against the net by itself actually (26 min).
Neymar: And the fifth.
Maicon: Mats Hummels the fun loving character, drove through from centre half and gave it to Khedira. It was quicksilver and precise like a stiletto stab, and we very nearly applauded. Khedira gave it to Özil. Their men Khedira and Mesut Özil completely ignored us until it was only left to decide who would shoot. Finally Özil, whose detractors will now shut up for the next hundred years, said to Khedira, “Please, brother, you take it.” Khedira grinned and complied not even bothering if Júlio would or could stop it (29 min).
Júlio César: Right. Go ahead and blame me.
Fernandinho: We’re not blaming you, Júlio. We are blaming the bloody ball that deliberately made us look bad in front of all our people and supporters.
Neymar: That’s what, five goals in half an hour?
Fred: 29 minutes.
Bernard: Ramires, Paulinho, and I made three vicious attacks at their citadel in the first 15 minutes of the second half, boss, but their extremely miserly goalkeeper Manuel Neuer simply held up his hand and said, “Not today!” and seemed angrier each time we went at him. We felt like we were beggars. Can you believe that?
Fred: He shut the door on my face twice.
Oscar: They all behaved the same. I said to Bastian Schweinsteiger that we could be best friends. He said he would marry me but after the match.
Dilma: Don’t you want to know about the sixth and the seventh?
Neymar: Couldn’t hurt.
David Luiz: I could sense André Schürrle was either jealous of the other scorers or he just wanted to have some fun. I pleaded with him that we had spent $11bn to stage this football Carnaval so please don’t shame us further, don’t please make this a most expensive funeral, but he wasn’t listening and inside ten minutes pumped in two (69 min and 79 min). He later apologised and said nicely that he hadn’t heard me in all that noise.
You see, the crowd was cheering them!
Oscar: Actually the German goalie Neuer didn’t let in a m’skito for 89 minutes that night when the Germans said, “Okay, we have eaten everything, so let the buggers have a piece of crumb that’s fallen off the table.” No one wanted it so I said, what the hell, it’s a world cup goal, and took it (90 minutes). I assure you I was calm, the shot had clinical quality and I had used tactical intelligence.
Neymar: And what about Brazil? What about you guys? You looked like the balls on a billiard table that they were playing with. Was there no Plan B?
All of them: Plan B?! Plan B?! Coach forgot to tell us about Plan A! We made our own plan C, which was to keep on crying till we reached the hotel! We have also decided to blame it on Diego Maradona. He told us to become martyrs in this game. We died on the pitch. Anyway boss, let’s forget all that for the time being. Who do you think will win the Copa?
Neymar: After last night, it looks like even if the best of the Dutch and Argentines combined they’d have a tough time against these guys.
Luis Gustavo: This was our worst nightmare but now we are awake so do you think if we asked nicely FIFA would agree to let us play this game again?
Neymar: The psychiatric ward is on the tenth floor. Goodbye and good luck for the third place play-off.
Hulk: Third place? We look more like we are at 16th.
They finally leave him. Once outside, some start weeping and whining with Fernandino leading them with a wail that scares a clutch of gawking nurses.
The night doesn’t have too many other sounds and in our neighbourhood, supporters of Argentina cheered anything that went against Brazil. Predictably the first two goals were greeted with righteous roars but the third immediately afterwards drew just a few muted shouts. Then, as goal after stunning-shocking-terrific-surreal-electric-masterly-goal went in, an eerie silence settled, broken only by growls, manic laughter, mutterings and curses. The malicious merrymaking was forgotten as if they had stopped to wonder how many their team would have to swallow from these madmen.
Source: Bd news24
