Good parenting, bad parenting and child education

Tariq Sadat
education-exam-1

Robert Fischer Jr (Son): ‘I know dad, I know you were disappointed I couldn’t be you.’ Maurice Fischer (Father): ‘No no no … I was disappointed … that you tried.’

In the 2010 Hollywood movie ‘Inception’, Robert Fischer Jr thought his father was disappointed that he couldn’t be a leader like his father. Maurice Fischer, showing his son one of his childhood paintings (a symbol of his childhood imagination), expressed his disappointment that Robert tried to copy his father and didn’t test his own leadership.

Children’s journey of education starts at home with the parents. Parents are the most important teachers. Children learn all social skills and human attributes from the parents; children copy them and follow them by instinct. Parents are the role models. It is important that parents teach the children how to acquire the best human attributes. Among them are the art of leadership, self-development and the skills of decision-making.

On the other side, parents always dream the best for the children. They expect the best result from the children in every test of their lives in this intricate world, the world that can only support ‘survival of the fittest … in the struggle of life’. They want their children to become doctors, engineers or teachers, and achieve the best the world can offer. Parents want their children to achieve the success that they themselves couldn’t. Parents infect them with their dreams. Parents push them to the limits to fulfil THEIR dreams. Children carry the burden of their parents’ dreams. This burden, is it good or is it bad? The truth is, it is good, and it is bad as well.

It is good for the young children who are preparing themselves for the relentless competitions awaiting them in every sphere of their lives. Parents need to seed such dreams in young children they will strive to fulfil. Parents know the children, understand them, and can teach them the best. It’s only the parents who can understand what the children are capable of, and show them their strengths and weaknesses. Parents can set the goals for the children to achieve, and tell them, ‘Oh, you can do this!’ Only then the children will know what to aim for.

It is bad when the parents fail to show the children their strengths and weaknesses, can’t help them build decision-making skills and expect more than what they are capable of. Not all children are born with an equal capacity to learn all different subjects like Maths, Arts or Science at the same speed. But every child is born with a unique talent; it’s up to the parents to find out what it is. Parents must recognize the strengths and weaknesses of their children, guide them where they can discover and exploit their strengths, and stop them where their weaknesses will prevail and prevent them from reaching the goal.

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After a year, I met my ex-supervisor who retired a year ago from her job as a professor at an Australian University. ‘What are you busy doing these days?’ I asked. ‘Oh, don’t ask’ she sighed. ‘I am now the full time nanny of my five grandchildren aged between 5 and 15. I am always racing with them, picking one from the school, dropping the second at the coaching centre, then picking the third from the swimming school and dropping the fourth at the rugby training … and the race goes on and on … oh, the schools don’t teach Maths well, you must take them to the coaching centres … what a misery!’

She is not alone in the miserable race to providing the best education for the children and developing all possible skills in them. The race to raising the perfect children is every parent’s nightmare. It’s even worse for the children of migrant families in countries like Australia where the children are taken to community schools on their weekends so they can additionally learn Bengali language and culture, (Islamic) religious beliefs and practices. Unlike many Australian families, for whom the best child education is not a priority, the migrant families particularly from China, India, Pakistan and Bangladesh strive to make the best education available for their children. The costs are extraordinary. Grade six children attend expensive coaching centres so they can learn grade eight Maths and English. Why? They must pass the extremely hard admission tests for the best public secondary schools in Australia. Only these schools can guarantee a good HSC score (above 99%) and thereby a desired subject at a desired university.

The Australian primary school curriculum is designed in such a way that the children don’t have to put up with the burden of homework every night. The public schools mostly teach them the basics of all subjects, but most importantly teach them how to grow up as an independent and responsible adult, and how to build such qualities as leadership, decision-making … creating good students is not a priority for the public schools. So returning from the school, the children of the immigrant families can hardly grasp why they are taking all the pains and pressures of weekend coaching classes. They can’t match what the schools are teaching them and what the parents are forcing them into. Their minds are in complete disarray. To them, their parents are not the best!

In Bangladesh, there was a time in the 1960-70’s when there wasn’t enough students in the universities to fill the class rooms. Much like the university lecturers would knock at the students’ doors and ask them if they want to enrol in the university. Now it’s beyond the opposite. The parents of willing students, who even failed the university admission tests, knock at the lecturers’ doors and ask for undue favours if a spot can be arranged at the university. Back then, finding a job was just as easy as finding a place at the university. How about now? The unemployment figures are just hitting the roof!

The competitions in today’s world are extremely fierce; the journey from primary to secondary schools, from college to universities, and finally to a desired job, every step of the way is extremely uncertain. The parents need to train their children how to adapt to the challenges and uncertainties of today’s competitive world. Bad parenting is not about forcing children into the painful routines of extreme education and the tough disciplines of social and spiritual lives; rather it is about failing to teach them and make them understand what is required of them as growing children, and make them accustomed to the harsh and difficult world. Parents need to stop spoon-feeding the children and, as they grow, teach them how to decide the course of their own lives, and help them choose the professions that best suit their talents. This will help them develop self-confidence as well as leadership and decision-making capabilities.

The best secondary schools in Australia that I mentioned above, not just strive for academic excellence. Many of these schools often lower their strict admission criteria to allow students with demonstrated leadership or creative skills, such as students who led the school rugby or basketball team as captains, or students with music or creative arts skills. The schools see these students as potential contributors not only in lifting the schools’ reputation, but also in building a creative national leadership.

Conversely, good parenting is about teaching obedience and respect, teaching discipline and patience to the children, and making them aware that until they are adult and independent enough to earn their own subsistence, they should remain under the full guidance of their parents, and should carry the obligations of fulfilling the expectations of their parents. Good parenting is also about teaching the children how to dream, how to aim for the best and how to prepare for the unseen future. If the growing children know their strengths and weaknesses, then they will also know where to find success. Good parenting is about letting the children know that ‘failure is the pillar of success, so failure to enrol in the desired university is not the end of the world … the world has more to offer than you can possibly see …. make the best use of what you have got, you can find the best result out of it’. Good parenting is about comforting the children rather than tormenting them when they fail an important test. This will enhance their confidence for the next test, which they will surely pass.

Bruce Wayne: ‘What have I done, Alfred? Everything my family… my father built…’

Alfred Pennyworth: ‘The Wayne legacy is more than bricks and mortar, sir.’

Bruce Wayne: ‘I wanted to save Gotham. I failed.’

Alfred Pennyworth: ‘Why do we fall sir? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.’

Bruce Wayne: ‘You still haven’t given up on me?’

Alfred Pennyworth: ‘Never.’

(From the 2005 Hollywood movie, ‘Batman Begins’)

To parents: Don’t give up on your children if you want them to achieve. Let them fall, they will learn to rise. Only then true leaders will emerge.

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Tariq Sadat is a PhD candidate at RMIT University, Australia.

Source: UNBconnect